


kiss you, stab him, fuck who? (three is better than two)

by peachvitch



Category: ONEUS (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Everyone Is Gay, Fuck Or Die, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Minor Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V, Minor Min Yoongi | Suga/Park Jimin, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polyamory, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, There's A Tag For That, Threesome - M/M/M, Wow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:27:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23414542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachvitch/pseuds/peachvitch
Summary: Youngjo is whipped at first sight and Jimin helps his late blooming superior.
Relationships: Kim Geonhak | Leedo/Kim Youngjo | Ravn, Kim Geonhak | Leedo/Kim Youngjo | Ravn/Yeo Hwanwoong, Kim Geonhak | Leedo/Yeo Hwanwoong, Kim Youngjo | Ravn/Yeo Hwanwoong
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4





	kiss you, stab him, fuck who? (three is better than two)

**Author's Note:**

> *sobs* 
> 
> its my first fic out in the world. 
> 
> My fics never get to see the light of being published because im a three-time award winning self concious wallnut. 
> 
> Read with a dash of salt for it is not beta-ed nor edited. I loathe editing for I get stuck realize that this story is a piece of disgarded gum stuck on a crevice and no one would dare pick it up
> 
> So before that happens i will post it.
> 
> ☆♡ Unbeta we die like men ♡☆
> 
> ※※※
> 
> enjoy ಠ_ಠ

※ i. ※

  
Of the many and _there are a fuck-ton many_ of most wanteds in the Special Force and it isnt just of the sucky deadwood delinquents or of cockful of criminal,

  
for it is, i kid you not, it is a rumor mill.

Most Wanted is a blabbermouth's board meeting.   
It is a staggering thousand and thousand of gossipmongers, the worst kind -- your resident rattlesnakes.

and Younjo, oh poor man, uninformed and ignorant found it out weeks ago;

(striding out of Taehyung's office and not one meter far is Keonhee, Taehyung's subordinate, flocked by officers.  
His eyes caught badges of different ranks and departments all harmoniously jabbering with 0% restraint, Youngjo shifts back swiftly, promptly as instinct tells. it is never good to see crowds with eyes perked and a boister of 'no way' 'really' and a whisper of 'he sure fits in Most Wanted, i mean, even as a man he screams daddy' Youngjo resisted to look back in horror but 'yes, hmmn, you're right rather, if he's my assignment then i'll love to investigate every nook and cranny-- HA--such mystery and thrill, this man is the epitome of my desire--'

_wow_

thank god his legs didn't rush back to these fools and smack a lifetime of sense back into their rotten brain)

(later that night he found out about Most Wanted. Youngjo with utmost attention and his subordinate suffering degrees of unease, relief and shock.

  
the _YOUNGJO_ that has the attention span of a five year old Youngjo??

  
paying attention to a report?

  
evident divine intervention.)

(In Youngjo's understanding, Most Wanted is really just trifling TMI, alright)

  
now, now, that is fine. absolutely fine. it is a freedom of speech, opinion and all that shit.

What Youngjo ponders is why it's all about him.

Yes. 

straight out of Keonhee's mouth is the confirmation of clueless Youngjo as the undefeated top 1 of Most Wanted.

  
oh how he wish he didn't have ears --

  
ignorance truly is bliss.

Youngjo pinches his nose, he wills the frown to drop and... melt. Just melt.

His shoulders shagging. Youngjo won't do that often, he has a reputation to uphold and it's maintenance is shrill, unpleasant.

Just in the audience of his aide,Jimin, he is a cat overly fatigue; plopping like a blob, a disarming, pitiful blob of hanging limbs,

Youngjo's only consolation as a warfare slave is becoming one with his luxurious office chair. Lovely leather, cushion hugging his buttcheeks like a long lost friend and backrest of the century that rivals lover's embrace. It is birthed by a craftman burning a wholesome passion on their mètier!

Just thinking about it, Youngjo is encouraged!

Energy +10

Motivation +.01

Well.

Paperwork is a bitch. It pedantically strips away the meaning of life. 38 folders signed and it keeps on and on and on --

what is happiness? Is he qualified to have that??? 

**_no._ **

why do papers exists??? Is the question! These poor trees! They were just standing there and suddenly a wild hairless ape amputates them and proceeds to inflict torture!

Digital Data needs to revolutionized. 

Jimin shots him a look of concern. His vertically challenged body peering to get a good glimpse amidst the towering, _ugh_ , paperwork.

Youngjo waves him off. Only the slight of his hand visible beyond the towering stacks of modified tortured wood.

He hopes Jimin sees it. That worrywart midget.

  
Youngjo sighed. 

this workload is making him lame.

  
"Boss, You need a break," Jimin's voice muffled, as he peeks through Youngjo's paper, somehow navigating to his desk from his nest by the loveseat and a cookie crumbs spilling as he speak, disgusting--

"Oh, sorry, I'm starving so either suck it up or close your eyes cuz i'm not fixing my rUdE behavior," 

Jimin snorts, crumbs on his lips flying on the current document (from General Bang), a dot of chocolate landing on the center, but whatever -- it's jimin! He doesnt listen when he knows he'll get away.

  
"By the way, the Chief would approve of it, a break, i mean. For you! And maybe for me too," tiny font human reasons, maneuvering to his million won armrest easily throwing an arm round his shoulder, "seeing how your appearance is considered worse than the interns at the Internal Affairs and they," He squeezes Youngjo's shoulder. Hard. " _they are suffering_."

Youngjo's eyes narrowed and the urge to sigh is tempting but he won't because that would prove he's exhausted and he is not. 

Grapevine whispers worship of his work ethics and it's only half truth but hearing them marvel how model he is of a superior feeds his pride so,

  
absolutely not. 

plus, 

he doesn't need break -- _pfft_ \-- he needs a vacation. 

Youngjo stood and walked to the window. Jimin flailing in suprise and _thud_

"Youngie~ is a bastard, a personafied excrement of a rotten coffee bean straight out of an exotic racoon's ass," Jimin whines a he pats his bottom but Youngjo's baddly concealed snicker doesnt stop, "he's so goddamn bitter that the smell reeks and no one will want him alright."

"Stop falling, midget, you'll squash yourself shorter."

Jimin flipped him off. His fingers in uwu version that the fuck yous are just endearing. 

"You took a free trial puberty did you? so adorable, like a child." Youngjo peers back on Jimin's back, he adds with a smirk, "Like your height, cute size."

"They do say the shorter you are the closer you are to hell, and I, I will become the King just so I can make you writhe in pain, you insufferable asshole."

Jimin huffs before dissapearing on his station, inaudible mumbling humming, filling the office.

The major general smiles. 

Mentally notes appreciation towards his headstring aide.

Wouldn't wish anyone else.

Not that he will voice it. Maybe. Perhaps. On his death bed, after heavy contemplating.

(Jimin knows this btw. Youngjo is a whipped superior slash friend....its mutual.) (Platonic whipped friends.)

The window -- Youngjoboverheard something about it being from france -- is grandeur to the very splint that is why he requested a extra fitting velvet curtain no matter Seokjin's whining somewhere. 

  
it is, Youngjo muses, every bit ethereal as sunlight passes through. a kiss of warmth shimmies the cool of early morning chill on his skin. More of note is that it's to highlight the garden--

  
the garden, Jungkook had built for Taehyung.

  
no suprise.

flaunting his undying devotion to his Chief,

PDA what? Is that edible? Annoying boyfriend type, three-sixty degree obsessive bastard,

just what did Taehyung see in that mother of fuckery?

  
He sighed, again.

The sun light darts in his eyes, awkward and blinding yet he pays no mind and zeroes in the garden,  
sunflowers basks in the grace of light and the other flowers which he doesn't know the name of but is utterly pretty shares the same sentimentality.

  
A fountain would be a great addition or perhaps a koi pond these bright color scheme is extremely painful. Yellow, vivid yellow and blood red roses such eyesore, yes Jungkook we know how bright your passion is for Chief Kim no need to rub it in our faces you insufferable rat, thank god that one and only lilac flower--

wait--

  
it moves.

Eyes flying open, lids woke and pupils in rapt attention

it is not a flower.

Youngjo is captured. 

As easy as 1, 2, 3--

He zeroed in, swished the curtain wide and peers,

a lilac; fifty shades of violet and this one takes the cake. A hue of fresh air, of spring in summer -- this hair of a man.

Youngjo shamelessly eyeballing this man.

this man; a scar runs down his lips and his bangs covering half of the face -- such a waste, tsk, a waste indeed.   
oh boy, now _that_ , that frame exquisite. Defined by a suit, _their suit_ \-- a rookie suit specifically.

Youngjo notes at the back of his head to have Jimin check this man out. Records and history not physically, for Jimin is a man-eater plus a pure bred faerie and such design is dangerous.

Or maybe not. That'll be weird.

  
_anyways_.

It is, quite lowkey, satisfying that the uniform -- an awkward pendulum between black and blue compliments the pretty pastel of his wind tossled locks. Oh. And may he add as well? that actually the fraudulent seams of binding in the pants of Rookie Suits creates an unnatural tightness on the legs that is collectively ugly and highly uncomfortable and yet this stranger singlehandedly stomped that fact. Punching straight homerun Youngjo's breathe outta and into a school of itchy flutter skiddering down his heart (read: groin) 

  
Youngjo this hawk-eyed bastard ogles --- _observe_ , OBSERVE! _goddamnit_! --- a man he never have seen before. The nerve. True man of steel, shameless and deliberate. Positive, undoubtedly peeling the man. Head to toe. 

Youngjo muses, "hmmn," Without letting the man escape his vision, He drags a Marlboro. Vaguely hearing Jimin's gasp followed by aggressive ripping and aAHH--

Pain tingles on his forearm. Below a circular patch.

"Nicotine patch."

"How are you able to--" Youngjo gapes; still not looking at the hell-spawned midget, whatever that stranger is tej billion more eye candy material, "Jimin! What the fuck."

"You’ll continue to get some nicotine in your system however," Voice leveled, eyes skeptic, sassy and hands-on-hips-ready-to-lecture Jimin but seeing his attention elsewhere he follows his suspicious superior's line of sight, _ah,_ "you won’t be exposed to any of the other harmful chemicals that are found in tobacco," 

"And He's cute." 

"Jimin. No." Youngjo jerks, heart stattering aware of the other's smile

"Jimin, yes."

  
※ ㅡ ㅅ ㅡ ※

Jimin once again proved how significant and worthy he is of a subordinate ("Aii~ Youngjo-ssi you won't be one of the top major generals if it weren't for me ya know, _hehe_ , which everyone knows by the way," Youngjo buries deeper by the stack of paperworks ignoring the sniggering of a certain peanut sized adult) by 'digging dirt' on the pretty lilac haired man in record time of 38 minutes. 

_thirty-eight minutes!!_

A magical feat. Truly.

There is a gallery in Youngjo's memories on how he have to provide 'juicy' and 'exhilirating' info just to make him gather data. Sometimes even using the IT department hikkikomori Min Yoongi as bait.

Jimin slammed a magazine thin folder with a printed capslocked, bright red T O P S E C R E T atop a significant, national security classified document. A very, very legitimate top secret,

  
"Good Lord please, please, bestow me a fuckton of patience," Youngjo cussed. Thick brows furrowed, lips parted in scrutiny and Jimin thanks Satan for letting him be gay for Yoongi before meeting this man because damn he is hot, " _please."_

"That's cutie pie on the garden's file, no need to thank me!"

"I'm not -- I didn't. haa, Jimin I didn't request for this."

"I know." He said. And grinned. Shit-eating I-know-everything-what's-the-use-of-hiding-it-I-know-you kind of a grin, "You're welcome."

He hates it. Youngjo hates it, With burning earnest.

"Thanks. I hate you."

"Mmn, luv u too, you shrivelled octopussy."

Satisfied, Jimin skipped out of his office, spring flowers and pink shimmering glitter aura made out from the knowledge of fulfilling his personal agenda of annoying every single trillion cell of Youngjo's. 

-※-

  
Yeo Hwanwoong  
Male  
Height 5'6" (168cm)   
21 years old, born August 26, 1998   
Rank: Corporal

> Lt. Gen. Kim Namjoon's subordinate.

  
> Along with 1st LT. Lee Keonhee, 2nd LT. Lee Seoho as well as Pvt. Son Dongju.

  
> Cpl. Yeo Hwanwoong is previously stationed at Jeju Island under Maj. Gen. Kim Geonhak's command.

  
>He is transferred to HQ under unspecified circumstances wherein Lt. Gen. Kim volunteered to take Cpl. Yeo to his unit, assuming further responsibility towards the corporal.

  
Youngjo scanned the document with rapt attention. Eyes lingering a solid 10 seconds on the mandatory formal photo, marveling over Hwanwoong's exquisite features that screams precious little bean--

  
Youngjo flails his hand. Violently waves away that puff of thought.

It's terrifying enough that Jimin knows.

Still. His focus may be mistaken as an emergency if someone were to see, even to the last page detailing Yeo Hwanwoong's previous activities under Kim Geonhak's unit. Every word unescapable.

Youngjo sighed. Feeling silly all of a sudden,

_Well. Whatever._

He rips out the sticky note Jimin left at the last page, his messy, clearly hurried penmanship an eyesore and Youngjo struggled to understand --

'This boy reeks!! suspicious!!! WHY is his transfer unspecified? And why did Maj. Gen. Namjoon took HIM when he hasn't taken a direct subordinate in years! UNFAIR!! I want to be Namjoon's slave!! ME ME ME'

He shakes his head. Sighed in resignation

  
Typical Jimin.

Youngjo stuffed the folder at the farthest drawer, sighed for the nth time while massaging the wrinkle out between his brows.

None of this is his plan.

He vehemently dislikes things going out of control.

He wasn't even serious about looking for this man, a perfect stranger. A stranger he doesn't know -- his name you know tho, Hwanwoong, his brain supplies --

Okay.

Well, he supposes that's okay.

Just his name and little summary of his militia life,

  
Not to make a big deal anymore.

Youngjo closes his eyes and wills to stop whatever this feeling is.

  
(Spoiler: It didn't stop. The universe wrapped a nice gift, like christmas with ribbons and shit. It's fantastic.)

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive Criticism is *gulps* WeLcOmE  
> *aggresively sweats* 
> 
> Be kind tho. 
> 
> May i mention that I am a high-functioning sensitive gay so please calm down satan.
> 
> ※※※
> 
> Reminder: 
> 
> The chapters would be short to moderately long. Depending how high and sad i am. Or if the people inside my head decided to rally on me and threaten me to write.
> 
> Either way, this fic is also 147% self indulgent and 53% lacking on research ( ͡°Ĺ̯ ͡° )
> 
> __________
> 
> talk to me or be gay with me on
> 
> Tumblr: chiyoru_sucks  
> Discord: chiyoru.sucks! #4599  
> Twitter: @taegyukkie
> 
> _____________
> 
> also i thought of this now but what if readers also get to suggest or give ideas at how the story progresses??  
> because two or more brains is better than one!
> 
> Submit some prompts/ dialogue/ etc. on my tumblr!!  
> Anything You want added on this fic! No matter how big or smoll ur opinion matters!
> 
> Bye~~
> 
> [ 지요루 ☆ ]


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